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March 13th

Today is March 13th.

I woke up this morning in a bit of a haze after not sleeping well last night - actually let's be honest, I haven't slept well for over a month.


It was almost 4 months ago, just before Christmas actually, when I found my first lump. I am kinda used to having cysts develop in the past, so when I found this one on the side of my neck, it concerned me, but I wasn't really worried about it. It wasn't until a week or so later that I found another lump in my body, and that's when I began to get concerned.


I waited until late January to head into the doctor because life was busy. I am a mom with 2 young boys at home, one who plays hockey, one who's a spirited wild child, and a husband that works away a lot, and the biggest event I help put on was weeks away, So needless to say, I was not the top priority in my home lol.....


Going into the doctor, she wasn't overly concerned because of my history with cysts. But something was different with these, I could feel it in my bones, and my doctor agreed she would like to look into it further. So she sent me in for blood work and a couple ultrasounds.


Now, if you know me, you know that needles are my biggest fear. Just typing this right now is making my head feel woozy, and my hands tingly. So going into my appointment alone, I ensured I was as prepared as I could be. I packed my favorite chocolate bar and an extra large bottle of orange juice (blood sugar friends - blood sugar), and asked for a room with a bed to lay down on. Thank god my nurse was so good with me that day - I told her how terrified I was (My best friend whom I was texting like crazy can attest to this).

I was 1 step away from getting up and bolting out that door, but I stayed.

I needed to take care of me.


After the blood work was done, I quietly laid on the bed, trying to drink my orange juice before packing up my stuff and heading out to my truck, trying not to faint in the parking lot.


The next day I was off for my ultrasounds. Starting with the one in my neck, she took her time measuring things, checking my thyroid, and then finished up with the other. Laying there I began thinking about life. How crazy a thing to think about, as I lay on my back, trying to count the dots on the ceiling tiles as this lady pokes and prods at me. Up until this point I had tried really hard not to let myself get to worried, but I was eager to just be done with it and get it out.


A week later I found myself back in my doctors office, anxiously waiting to hear that these things are cysts, and they will be fine.


Instead, I was told that they are some type of tumor, and they need to be removed for biopsy.


It's a weird feeling, suddenly feeling like your body has betrayed you. I instantly felt sick, and my doctor tried to reassure me that the chances of it being cancer were slim, but it made me want to crawl out of my skin.

I instantly thought of my boys, my husband, my parents, my dad who's battled and beat cancer twice, my friends, my life.

I did not expect to hear that word that day, and as my heart tried desperately to keep my mind in focus, I was told that I would hear from 2 different doctors shortly for removals.


Within a week I was in getting the one in my neck removed, and as I laid there fidgeting like crazy, as she tried to get it out, one nurse asked if I would like to hold her hand.

YES. YES. YES.

She will never know how much I needed to hold someones hand that day. I felt like a kid again, scared and just wanting to know what it was.


Then I had to wait.


2 weeks.

2 whole weeks I had to wait to hear if it was a 'Nothing to be worried about', or something else.

2 weeks of not sleeping.

2 weeks of extra kisses.

2 weeks of smiling when I wanted to cry.

2 weeks of trying to hold it together for my kids.

2 weeks of wanting to scream 'IM REALLY SCARED' into the world, but staying quiet.


2 weeks until I sat in my doctors office.


Today.


Life has a funny way of grabbing you by the shoulders and shaking you when you need it.

The past 2 years have been really hard. Between closing down my company, going back to work, being home alone without my amazing husband more often, and closing the doors on my coaching business, I feel lost.


This past Sunday I was telling my mentor that I feel like I am 'Breaking Open'.

I could feel this weird shift happening, and I just prayed that it would be positive.

My heart hurt. My soul has been screaming.


I have a purpose - and it's going to waste.


But today I got the greatest blessing - March 13th is the day I was told my tumors are benign.


Just typing that is so crazy. Leaving my doctors appointment this morning, I called my husband, my parents, my best friend and my mentor, letting them know everything is ok. Then I cried the best, most soul cleansing cry I have had in a long time.


I know what I need to do - and so it is.

I am starting my coaching business again, supporting people with their personal growth.

I am launching myself back into the speaking world (which I never left - but haven't been seeking events to get booked for).


Thank you God, Universe, whatever is out there that gave me this shake. I get it.


And I promise I won't let it go to waste.


xoxoxo




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© 2023 by Vanessa McWilliams